At last you have found my archives! I'm excited to show you around.
This image started it all when I was in my very early teens. I remember scrolling through Google Images for something about a vampire girl with brown hair and this one was my favorite. It stuck with me for years. I named her Midnight. She was the first version and each itteration of her is linked with my fixations through my life. I used that image and name for a website I can't find anymore. It was a black background with red text-text based, vampire role playing flash game where you moved on a square map and you had limited moves before being able to continue. So in the mean time, it had a seprate chat room you could join whatever channel you liked. I remember my parents were worried who I was talking to and what I'd tell them. I wasn't a kid who gave out personal info so I was confused with my parents' dislike for the website. Now I understand their rightful concern. I was such a lonely kid that being talked to in a chat room felt more engaging than wandering the backyard at my grandmother's place in auburn, the house with her second husband. My parents didn't enjoy having me around, always trying to pawn me off to by grandmother's house, tried to move me in with my aunt (mom's older sister that lived in the midwest) but of course my stap dad's opinon of Diana was that she was snoody and then I would be snoody. I wish I chose it, maybe I wouldn't be so poorly off in life. Dad did constantly make jokes or off hand comments about sending me away and it's still not funny now. Military school was the constant threat to me as a kid. Oh the irony of me going into the Navy a year after highschool and never moving back.
At the same time, a little game called Psi-Ops on the Xbox came out.
This game was like crack to me. I played it constantly after school. I wasn't great at it but I enjoyed it. The main premise is basic white soilder guy wakes up in enemy base and has anmesia. He breaks out of his cell and as the game goes, he remembers that he has mind powers like telekinesis and pyrokinesis. There are an array of abilities he has. I thought it was the coolest game in the world and soon found myself day dreaming about being that much of a badass. Midnight now was "Spygirl"; a super powered wolf woman who was a one manned army. This self insert soon became the foundation of me making original characters off media I enjoyed. Here's what she first looked like (recreation).
She was dropped as my main when I was introduced to a game series that hasn't left me since, The Legend of Zelda - Ocarina of Time.
Specificly down in the Well but that's a different part all together.
And as you can see, it never left me. From then on, the majority of my characters had long pointed ears that could move up and down with their emotions. I never considered them as elves in the traditional sense but the only way to describe their ears are, "long and pointed, elf-like,". The gold eyes and wolf specifics, came from the anime Inyuasha. I Could only catch glimpses of it off Toonami's late night segments. I new the bare bones of the lore and aesthetics.
When Youtube.com rolled around, I was watching Anime Music Video edits and clips of any animes I could find. I didn't care if it was in spanish or the subtitles were backwords. Around this time I had multiple revamps of Midnight but they were all the same self-inserts who were overpowered to shit. I can't be too embaressed about that though. I beleive that every artist goes through that cringe phase.
To understnd Creator as a character, the main self insert now, background on the history behind her is the best way to understand the web. Midnight Wolf is the strongest, the Psi-Ops OC that got her own story and family. The First and the strongest of the Center City defenders. Spygirl was now officially remaned into an actual nonfanfiction related character, Midnight Wolf. Neocities PAGE FOR MIDNIGHT WOLF
So for many years I didn't use Mid Wolf, I used a casual and flexible version with the same name but just reused in any stories or fanfics. Midnight Shadows. She always looked similar, long brown hair, yellow eyes and instert a bimbo brained fighter who just doesn't stay dead. She was my mary-sure self insert for all my teen years. When I joind the Navy, Mid Wolf got her revamp and husband. Made MidWolf a rich, isolated, abused Russian. And her to be husband a drunk, truamatized, suicidal, Austrailian kangaroo hybrid. I thought the pair as individuals was too stereotyped and shallow since the begining. I hope when I write thier summary, I get to enjoy and lean into the cheesey side and still have them as interesting character. I keep wanting to give the husband, Kanga, a haunting by all the targets he had killed in his snipping career but I'm not sure how to use it. I mainly worry the animal features then powers are too underbaked? I'm embaressed and unwilling to let that tale die..
1/1/2026
Latest fixation has been dinosours. There's a half intrest in vore for them but mainly I think they are neat and I am boggled that the ex wife doesn't think dinosours are real. Yeah, it's a realigous lie she got in her head and she's steadfast in that delusion. I understand the appeal of religon but I don't trust my inner reactions as facts. Science is where I put most of my trust, even with the changes over the years. As a child I got freaked out by the idea of some invisible being being able to see all my thoughts and impulsses. I was convinved for the fiest quarter of my life that people could hear my thoughts and was just not telling me. Now I see it as what it was, neglect and anxiety on a child. Mom's mental health suffered the older I got. I felt like I had to try to be the one to fix my family. I tried but a preteen isn't who a mentally ill mother needs.
Dad was always making the comments about needing help was an insult cause how dare you not know everything he thinks is true. I see now that he was never emotionally available and 10 years later when I called him needing a ear, well he listened but his reaction to the situation was far too removed and cut-throat. And that's what really cemented my distain for him. He never grew up and that's what keeps me away. I can trace most of my truamatic reactions to issues with him and his constant commentary on my hairy feet, birthing hips, fat butt, greasy hair and hairy face. He always had to have the last word and how dare he be civil and respectiful. A stupid man who refuses to look in the past and reconigze his own toxic patterns. If I move back to Maine and he's my only 'support'?- I'd probualy off myself with in a few years. My sucidal ideation is not as freiendly around my childhood, hell I'm surprised I made it to my 30's. I wanted out when I was a young kid, like 9? I thought about strangling myself a lot. I daydreamed of getting sick again like when I was hospitalized for internal bleeding of some sort in second grade. I was in the hospital for two weeks. Never was told what it was and my parents never told me.
Dad- Patrick- he was never happpy and was copnvinced that preteen me should have had the house all clean and not hang out with any friends and I can't have the snacks my sister has for school and how dare I want to be treated fairly. He on;y got into doing anything with his kids- my sister was a girlscout and he joined as a troop leader. Thanks for the support for anything I wanted to do. I stopped asking for Christmas presents as it was just something else to be taken away and never returned. He ordered and raged and belittled and cold shouldered but never took the time to just help without it being a big dramatic ordeal. I always owed him, always. But don't bring any of this up in public, he'll never own up, it's my fault for trying to get someone to just help him chill the fuck out.
He did NOTHING when I was a preteen and I came to him and mom one night and told then that Jim, the family roommate tried a bullshit hypnotism/backrub to get me to hold his cock in my right hand. I unfortenetly remember that night very clearly. They just tyold me to go back to beds in the same fucking room at him and the next day, Dad didn't bother even talking to him since "I wasn't acting any different so I must have been lying."
What fucking morel whiplash. I doubt Facebook still has the chat log, but I have Jim admitting he was in a "bad place" and doing it. He said he never touched my sister and she agreeded in a different chat that she was never touched. Brianna was in her late teens when we had that conversation.
I wish I played with my sister more. We were religated to our rooms at Roy's. I was forced into the smaller to of the two bedrooms. I liked the windows though. Just wish my mother left the door on the hinges so I could have some semblence of privacy. Neither parent was good at that but my mom was definetly better at boundries, drunk her?- not so much. Emotional wreck who went into hystarics at the drop of a hat. I can't do the smell of pina colata, makes me fall into flashbacks of Mom's/ Linda's screaming at me for arbetary things. Like she threw out this little red pocket bible and I asked abouit it, holding it from the trash and she broke down sobbing, demanding I give it back. I was going to give it back once she sobered up but she screamed and sobed harder and I tossed it back. I was confused even more since as a family we werent activly religious until a offhanded comment about how Eve ate the apple and now everything that happens to a woman was her fault through association. I wish my parents were actually good parents to me and not just assume getting me art supplies is all I need. I just wanted to feel like I wasn't the stressor, the reason for my parents' constant anger. I know I wzs just the eldest child and parents arent perfect, but now that I'm the same age my parents were when I felt the most unheard and it dawned on me that I'm not the problem, it's not that hard to just be kinder.
I didn't go to most of my middle school years. Patrick left early for work and Linda slept all day for her depression and shift at the strip club. I was left to the tv. I didn't show up so much that the school sent the cops for a wellness check. I remember defending my folk with all my heart, so damn scared that anything I said would mean I was the one who tore the family apart. Its so maddening to grow up dancing and fighting with the emotions of my folks then being told that I'M emotional in the same breath, content of the conversation be damned. I don't remember much, losts of visits to the school counseler and not much else.
Freashman year of highschool was rocky. I wasnt content in being the scapegoat anymore. That's when I was the "worst", just like my mother, questions and different opinion.
